


Conjuration and Conseqences

by Living_Free



Series: Slip and Slide [18]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Batfamily, Crack, Damian does an oopsie, Everybody dance now, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Jason 'The Adult' Todd, Jason drops it like its hot, Joker is DEAD, Magical fairy princess!Dick Grayson, Sorcerer in training!Damian Wayne, Tim is very clever, batbros, super adult!Jason Todd, super confused!Bruce Wayne, super sleuth!Tim Drake
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-21 13:16:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17643530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Living_Free/pseuds/Living_Free
Summary: Damian tries to make Dick happy and does a boo-boo.Tim answers his calling as a big brother.Bruce has his hands full of Jason (literally),And Jason busts a move.





	Conjuration and Conseqences

Damian was once again basking in the warm glow of Grayson affection as Dick rapidly placed a series of tiny kisses to his cheeks as he was about to leave for his honeymoon with Wally. Even though they would be gone for only two weeks, Dick still considered this to be too long without Damian, and was distraught. 

"Take care of yourself, Dami," Dick said tearily. "And take care of Bruce, and Alfie, and Timmy-"

"Tt. Really, Grayson. Calm yourself, this is ridiculous," Damian said for formality's sake, even as he pressed closer to Dick, like a sly, slippery, slug. 

"How come you didn't mention me or Cass?" Jason asked, and paid for the question as he was tackled by Dick into a hug.

"Because you and Cass are capable young adults with independent and dependable support systems!" Dick wailed as he affectionately squeezed the life out of Jason. "But poor Timmy has only us and his lust!"

"Tim..." Bruce growled, looking around for his son, who hid himself behind the all-powerful Alfred. 

"...and remember to take your medicines, Little Wing!" Dick was wailing as Jason pushed futilely against his brother's chest. "I've set up a daily alarm on your phone that'll remind you at 9am every day!"

"Dick, relax, its for two weeks," Tim said. "Just go and enjoy yourself."

Dick turned emotional, wibbly eyes on Tim. "Oh, Timmy!" He rushed Tim and lifted his off his feet in a great, swooping embrace. "So small and full of love!" 

Just then, Wally rolled up the driveway in the car. "Um, Dick?"

"Sweet Timmy!"

Wally rolled his eyes and got out of the car, and stopped by Damian. "Bye, Dames."

"Farewell, Wallace."

In a second of daring, Wally deftly reached out and patted Damian's tiny head. He flinched back and peered at the results, and was decidedly pleased to see Damian's face split into a wide, frog-like grin. He resembled a sea sponge, soaking up affection left and right. 

Tiny, spiny, sometimes-evil sea sponge, Wally thought fondly.

"Dickie, we gotta go, or we'll miss the flight."

Dick finally let go and followed Wally into the car, and waved the entire length of the driveway. His family waved back, and Jason clamped a hand on Damian's shoulder to stop the boy from running after Wally's ancient, trundling, vehicle and jumping into the hood of the car.

"Hey, now," Jason said quietly, "Dick deserves this holiday, alright? He works tirelessly every single day as your mother-brother and Bruce's son-wife."

"Excuse me?" Bruce demanded angrily.

"You heard me," Jason said, rolling his eyes. "Oh, Bruce, I made you breakfast!" Jason said, mimicking Dick's loving tone of voice. "Bruce, did you take your blood pressure pills? Oh, Bruce, I solved that pesky murder for you! Here, Bruce, I made you a flaxseed shake for your chronic constipation-"

"JASON PETER."

"BRUCE AUGUSTUS."

"Master Bruce's middle name is Thomas," Alfred coughed quietly, secretly enjoying the banter. Tim sniggered into Alfred's coat.

Jason grinned at his victory and turned back to Damian. "So, yeah. No calling Dick, no pouting, just let the man enjoy his vacation and have sex in peace without thinking about his siblings. I mean it," Jason said glaring around at his family, "no calling Dick back, no matter what."

"What if Gotham is threatened?"

"Then we'll take care of it," Jason shrugged. "We don't want Dick to come running back with his ass hanging out in the middle of a shag."

"A shag?" Damian asked. "Why would Grayson be in the middle of inferior carpeting?"

"Well-"

Jason's explanation was lost as Cass took a running jump and tackled Jason into the hedge.

***

With Jason's words ringing in his ears, Damian hatched a plan to ensure Dick's happiness and to make sure that there would be no immediate concerns in Gotham that would warrant his return. 

Damian flipped open his grandmother's ancient grimoire and leafed through the spells, until he found the one he was looking for. With a delighted cackle, he copied down the ingredients and incantation and waited for twilight, when he would conduct his spell. 

As the sun began to go down, Damian stole Jason's oversized black hoodie to wear as a robe, and waddled down to the garden, where he set up his spell. "One crow's foot, two handfuls of myrrh, and two objects touched by lust," Damian muttered, tossing in the crow's foot, myrrh, and print-outs of Tim's texts to Kon, and his Superboy themed thong. "Set on fire and recite the name of the recipient of the spell, and clearly state intention," Damian read form his book. 

Damian stood tall (as he could), and raised his arms to the heavens. "I perform this spell for Richard John Grayson, brother of Damian Gray- er, Wayne, so that his happiness continues uninterrupted," Damian stated loudly. "May he enjoy his honeymoon without being called back to Gotham! I bid the elements to help me, and to strike down any and all that may have given cause to bring Grayson back home before he is due!"

Damian waited until the fire went out, and then swept up the remains of his spell, content in the knowledge that Grayson would be protected and happy, wherever he was. His job done, Damian skipped back inside, with a hankering for carrot sticks. 

***

Meanwhile, in Crime Alley, the Joker was struck by lightning and died next to the bomb he was about to set off.

***

It was the Red Hood who discovered the body, and dutifully and cheerfully called it in to The Batman. 

Bruce looked up from the computer as the outside doors to the caves slid open, and Jason twerked his way in cheerfully. "C'mon old man!" Jason sang, "Dance with me," he invited, and proceeded to drop it like it was hot.

Bruce stared at his son distastefully. "I refuse on the basis of having dignity."

Jason went over to Bruce and pinned him to the chair with the power of his gigantic arse. At Bruce's indignant squawk, Damian looked up from where he was imbuing his blades with poison. Non-lethal, of course, but still painful. Grayson had been very proud when he checked over Damian's formulations. 

"Jason, I am your father! Stop giving me a lap dance!"

"But I'm so happy, Bruce," Jason sang. 

Bruce frowned, and then leaned in close. "Jason Peter Wayne, are you drunk, young man!?"

Jason closed the gap and booped his nose with Bruce. "I am, Bruce," he giggled. "I'm drunk on happiness. You know why?" He asked lowly. 

Bruce leaned in. "...why."

"Because the Joker's dead!"

Damian listened in mounting horror as Jason rattled off how Jason found and identified the charred, lightning struck remains as the Jokers, and how he had defused the bomb that was about to go off next to him and thus saved a significant chunk of crime alley. 

"I swear, Bruce," Jason sighed blissfully, not registering that Bruce was hyperventilating because Jason had defused a whole-ass bomb with one minute to spare, "if I ever find the random ass cloud that shot lightning out and fried the Joker, then I swear to you, I will give it the best night of it's life."

Damian did not hear anymore as he raced unnoticed out of the cave. He had killed the Joker, he was sure of it. His spell had caused this, and now father would find out, and he would disown Damian, and Grayson would cry, and cry, and cry-

Damian turned a corner, his head and heart pounding. He needed to hide the evidence, he needed to make sure his magical signature was erased from the crimescene, he needed...

"DRAAAAAAAKE!"

***

Tim was in the middle of plotting yet another corporate takeover from the comfort of his blanket fort, wearing an oversized hoodie that once belonged to Dick, and booty shorts that barely covered the swell of his tiny buttocks. He giggled as he added a digital signature to his file and sent it to the unfortunate CEO who would no longer be one next Monday. Served him right, Tim thought savagely, for being a corrupt asshat and running his company into the ground and allowing Tim to buy it for pennies. 

Tim squeaked in happiness as the CEO in question conceded defeat. Tim was now the owner of...an even larger company with a monopoly on....well, everything. Being rich was so much fun!

He could not bask for too long in his glory, however, as a series of frantic thumps reverberated against his door. 

"Drake! It is I, Damian, open the door at once!"

Tim groaned and wormed out of the blanket fort to open the door. No sooner had he done so than he received a lapful of hysterically wailing Damian, sobbing about "death" and "magic" and "father" and "disownment" and "Grayson". 

"Um," Tim said, completely out of his depth. How did one deal with upset children? Gathering his wits, Tim half carried-half lugged Damian into his blanket fort and covered him in warm blankets. When Damian continued to weep, Tim patted him on his spiky little head. 

"Er. There, there."

Damian stopped crying to look incredulously at Tim. "You are awful at giving comfort of any sort that is not sexually driven, Drake," Damian scoffed wetly. "And yet, I find myself in need of your aid."

"Okay," Tim said slowly, "what happened?"

Through sobs, Damian recited to Tim about how he invoked the elements to protect Dick's honeymoon period, and unwittingly targeted the Joker. How Jason had found the body and was twerking at father. How father would disown Damian, forcing him to run away and live life on the lam, as a solo vigilante, fueled by hatred and bitterness until his inevitable demise in some lonely alleyway, with no Grayson ever again-

"Whoa, stop," Tim interrupted Damian's hiccupping sobs, "Dick would never allow you to run away from home. He gets antsy when you have sleepovers at Kent Farm."

Damian continued to sniffle. "B-but father?"

Bruce was a problem, Tim acknowledged. He looked down at the miserable eleven year old, his button nose red from crying, and thought quickly. "Which spell did you use?"

"Huh? Drake, how would you know about magic?" Damian asked, sounding every bit the child he was. 

It was now or never. Tim went to his drawer and unlocked it using his customized passcode (KONSBUTT) and withdrew a sheaf of papers. He fixed Damian with an intense stare. 

"I have been working on a theory for months now. I have been scouring magical databases and alternate dimension history books for proof that Dick was magical. After compiling my data and combining them with my observations of Dick, I have concluded that he has passive elemental magic that works to protect him."

"This is true," Damian agreed. "I, too, came to the same conclusions, further corroborated by Raven. As a demoness, she is able to see Grayson's latent magical aura."

"Through my research, I have become quite well versed in the theory of magic," Tim said, feeling a warm glow at the affirmation that he was correct. "In order to hide evidence of your metaphysical meddling, we have to erase your magical signature from the affected object, in this case being Joker's body. We have to be fast, because Bruce probably suspects a magic user already."

"But how will we get the body?" Damian asked, and immediately came to the same realization as Tim. "Oh no."

Tim gulped. Oh no indeed. 

***

"I can't believe you two," Jason hissed at his younger, errant, brothers. He turned to Damian. "You did this? Are you sure?"

"I conducted the spell at 5:30pm on Sunday. Joker was struck by lightning at 5:31pm, as per the security footage of the freak lightning bolt," Damian confirmed grumpily. "Can you help us get the body or not, Todd?"

Jason groaned and put his head in his hands. The things he did for family. "Fine," he said. "Get suited up. And not in your Robin outfits. Wear something dark, we're sneaking into the morgue."

Jason met Damian and Tim at the back of Wayne Manor. Damian was wearing his ninja outfit , a birthday gift from his mother, and Tim was wearing...

"Is that a Catwoman costume?"

Tim tugged at the body-con latex self-consciously. "I bought it for halloween last year," he muttered. "Kon liked it."

"I'll bet," Jason grumbled. "Tone your thirst down, Timbo."

They snuck into the Crime Alley section of the Gotham PD and into their morgue unit. The Joker's body was so charred, that only his face was visible. Magic, apparently, had a sense of humor and vengeance. 

Tim fished out a device from his pouch and ran it over the Joker's body. "Magic scanner," he explained. "I developed it to pick up magical signatures." After waving it over the Joker's body, he pointed it at Damian and sighed. "Same resonance. It's a good thing that we got here when we did, Dames. Bruce probably would have traced it back to you."

"How do we undo my magical signature?" Damian asked, his voice high and unsure. Tim hated that voice - Damian should never sound like that.

"There is no way," he admitted. "Magic can't be erased."

Damian gasped and fell backwards into Jason, who steadied him. "Then I am doomed to lose everyone that I love!" Damian cried. "I shall have to strike out alone and live the rest of my miserable life on the run from mine own father! Grayson will weep until he is dehydrated and the strain of it will cause his marriage to crumble! Oh, what a blighted fool I've been!"

Jason rolled his eyes at the overdramatic pre-pubescent. "If re-incarnation is a thing, then you're definitely Shakespeare," he muttered. "And don't be so dumb, we won't let Bruce do anything."

"Then father will discover my magical sigature on the body!"

They fell silent, the sound of Damian's ragged breathing the only sound in the room. Then, Jason had a thought. 

"But what if...there was no body?"

That was how Tim had to talk Jason down from roasting marshmallows as the cremated the Joker's body and dumped his ashes into the Gotham harbour. "Welp, that was fun," Jason said, dusting his hands off. "And Damian?"

"Yes Todd?" Damian asked, looking up.

Jason leaned down and gave Damian the biggest, smacking, kiss on his tiny cheek that Damian had ever recieved, even as Damian's screams about 'coarse, common, stubble' rent the night air.

***

When Dick got home from his honeymoon, he had barely enough time to get out of the car before Damian ran up to him and wound himself around his legs, his little head nestled in Dick's stomach. Dick sat down right there on the lawn and proceeded to cuddle his hug-deprived little brother.

"Grayson, do you love me?" 

Dick looked down in shock at Damian's quiet and shaky voice. No matter what Dick knew in his heart, Damian had never sounded more like a child. Dick curled around him protectively. "Of course, Dami. More than anything in the world."

"We literally just had sex," Wally muttered to Jason, who chortled. 

Damian wasn't done. "Always? Even if I did something bad?"

"Always," Dick promised softly. "No matter what."

His doubts sated, Damian sighed and relaxed into Dick, and allowed him to pick Damian up and walk with him back into the house. Bruce watched them with worried eyes, unaccustomed to seeing Damian so vulnerable and tired. Damian, for his part, was asleep already, his cheek smushed against Dick's shoulder, the anxiety of the past few days having finally caught up with him. 

Jason was doing a fine job about giving Wally shit about his sunburn and distracting him from Dick. Tim watched Dick put Damian down to sleep, and then attempted to sneak past to his own room, like a sneaky, slippery, (sexually charged) snail.

Only, Dick caught him. 

"So," Dick said casually, his forearm around Tim's neck, holding him in place, "would Dami's sudden upheaval have anything to do with the Joker dying?"

"How did you know about that?"

"I read the newspaper," Dick said, rolling his eyes. "Also, Jason called me and told me everything."  
"He tOLd YoU!?" Tim cried incredulously. "After all the trouble we went to to keep it secret?"

Dick frowned at his little clever-stupid brother. "Jason knows better than to keep me out of the loop about something this important. He was worried about the impact this would have on Damian, and rightfully so."

"Stupid Jason and his stupid adulthood with his stupid maturity," Tim grumbled. "I liked him better when he was a volatile disaster person, and you two didn't have Adult Telepathy." Tim peered at Dick suspiciously. "So you really don't mind that Damian was so invested in your happiness that he utilized untested magic and inadvertantly killed the Joker?"

"Were it anyone else who had died, then Dami and I would have had a talk," Dick said. "But Joker was hardly a human being worth the name, and Dami already realizes the gravity of his actions. He won't be doing it again any time soon. I called Raven from the Bahamas, she's going to have a seemingly innocuous lesson dedicated to the affects of using untested spells without a guide."

"So...no harm no foul?"

"Well. Some harm no foul," Dick corrected. Then he smiled. "But I'm so proud of you for handling everything so well, Timmy." 

Tim got a tiny top of the head kiss for his efforts. His puberty rebelled at the idea of brother-kisses. His inherent need for unconditional love and approval from a figure of authority basked in the warm glow of the kiss. 

"Well, I did my best," Tim said pridefully. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to put a whoopie cushion underneath Jason's ass, because he is a scheming, grown-up, traitor person."

Dick watched Tim go, muttering to himself in a manner not unlike Gollum. Cute Gollum, Dick thought happily, and went downstairs, where Bruce was loudly pondering about how Joker got hit by lightning from inside a building. 

It was fine, Dick reasoned, letting Bruce ponder. It was practically a normal occurrence in the day of the Wayne family.


End file.
